I wrote this post originally a year ago almost to the day. A rant or spilling of my feelings you might say....about the things that people are doing to me, the way I am being treated....and the fuck all bad that I do in this world. I literally don't bother anyone. I have a huge heart, I'd do anything to anyone, I treat people well and I am treated like pure garbage and the kicker is I see people who do nothing but bad being treated like gold.....
I'm still having such a hard time processing what happened the last time I posted about this. I can't shake the feeling that I am worthless and useless and ugly and pathetic. Why else would someone treat me the way they did. This person strung me along for over a year giving hints that they were interested in me and than sending messages that they would actually like to hang out and spend time with me. I should have never took it seriously because he didn't mean a word he said. Everyone knows that when a man is interested in a woman, HE DOES EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO MAKE HER KNOW THAT, TO TREAT HER WITH RESPECT, TO SHOW HER HE IS INTERESTED.....everyone knows that no man on this planet would ever do anything to lose a woman he is interested in by treating her badly. That's how I know this person was never interested in me. Was just playing a game. Getting entertainment out of hurting me.
I just can't stop thinking about it. Not about him. He's just a guy. Yes, I did like him and I did want to see where it would go. It's the pain of discovering I'm not good enough yet again that is killing me. This man spends hours and hours liking pictures of women online who are half dressed, have no hobbies because all they post are duck-face selfies in their bathroom mirrors....heck, one of them is a known drug user who dated my cousin and another one was dressed like a hooker while holding a baby.....this is what this man is attracted to. Drug users and women who can't even be good mothers let alone good humans. So why did he even contact me if he's attracted to trash. Judging by all the likes and hearts on their content, I'm not even his type because he deleted his instagram and I didn't even know it. When we in contact and talking and making plans to hang out, I started getting alerts to add him as an instagram friend. I asked if he knew someone had created a bogus account using his name and picture and he said that it was a real account and he deleted his old account because he was tired of "women flaunting themselves". ok cool....but I was confused as to why we were talking and he hadn't added me.....apparently I know why now!!! He doesn't consider me a friend and he had interests in other women who are nothing like me......SURPRISE - his new account was full of women flaunting themselves and likes and hearts from him on every one. oh ok, no bog deal right. Actually, I felt like a complete useless garbage. After all the time I invested in this person, they weren't interested in me at all, not even as a friend. What a complete mind fuck.
I even had people I knew vouch for this guy...telling me he was a good guy. So I guess there's soemthing wrong with me obviously. I jsut wish someone would tell me what that is. I work full time, I'm responsible, I treat people right, my life is in order, I don't do drugs or drink or sleep around.....I do everything right but I'm treated like a garbage. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I need someone to tell me so I can fix it. I need to know so I can get my life back and stop thinking about it every hour of every day.
I was nice to this person who did this to me.....who wasted my time and fucked my head up real good. He showed interest but didn't make a move. I thought he was just shy so I made the move. Now I know better. If a man is interested and shows interest first, HE ALWAYS MAKES THE FIRST MOVE. Instead, I treated him. I made the plans, I drove in my car and picked him up at this door, drove around for over three hours on my gas and dropped him off at this door......and he didn't even think I was worth a 2 dollar coffee. Imagine. Even the poorest person can afford a coffee. I wasn't even offered that little bit. But stupid me kept talking to him after that, assuming he was just shy or had nerves.....but than he said he'd like to hang out again and a plan was made and that day I heard nothing from him. My family went to my sisters summer home that day and I waited around my hot, tiny apartment alone and never even got a 5-second text from him telling me he changed his mind or couldn't make it. I'm not even worth 5 seconds to this person. It destroys my mind to think someone could treat me like this after leading me on for so long and me being so nice to them. But he can spend hours liking profiles of drug users, sluts and women who have no hobbies or lives and only have duck lips and plastic surgery and over-filtered pics in their bathrooms. Imagine. Here I am traveling all over the world, doing great things, always learning, tons of hobbies.....and I'm discarded like trash in exchange for these women.
I'm so stupid, I even sent this guy a text message months after he fucked me over and wished him well when something bad happened in his life with his work. IMagine. Why am I so caring about people who don't give a single shit about me. Mass layoffs happened at my work just weeks after I sent him that text and he didn't even care to ask how I was doing or if I was even still working. I hate this world and most of the people in it....I've never seen so much hate and disrespect in my life. The world is a trash can when good people like me are treated like complete shit and the shitty useless people are treated like gods. I only hope this man ends up with one of these trash women who is hooked on drugs and sleeps with everything in site and has non interests, no intelligence and would spend every last cent he has on her ugly duck lips and claws for nails. After this experience, after being so nice and accommodating to someone and going overboard to show them I am interested in them after they showed me first, I'm ruined for good for dating. I have no interest in men whatsoever. I'm not good enough for them, I am not what they want.....and I refuse to be what they want because I will never be a whore, never be a drug addict, never be a woman with fake everything, never be a woman who spends hours in front of the mirror and I will never be trash. How can I complete with women with fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake nails fake everything......they are so incredible.....natural is disgusting to men so why would I bother. I dont know why I just wrote all this.....I have no idea if anyone even sees it....and I dont care. It's for my personal "getting something off my chest"....it helps to put it down somewhere......I jsut wish I had answers as to why I'm never good enough.
And now just this March, after I finally got over what that person did to me, they contacted me out of the blue and reignited it all again.....long story short, said again he was interested in hanging out and seeing if there's anything there. Said he'd like to do something. I'm such a forgivng person that I kept talking to him and asking him questions about his life and how he's doing....I thought he was genuinely apologizing and was really intersted and felt bad about what he had done to me earlier......but no. It was just a game again. It's not July, and not one single message from him or attempt to make a plan to see me. NOT ONE. Why would I message him to make a plan when I already did that last summer and he fucked me over. I'm not going to pick him up drive him around and be ghosted again! I already did my part....and apparently, he hasn't done him because there's nothing there. He never respected me, never liked me, never wanted to spend time with me....only wanted to get entertainment out of messing with a good person's head and fucking them over a second time.
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It's been a while. A combination of things has kept me away from blogging lately. Work. Summer adventures. Family. Anxiety. I feel like I have to get it off my chest and even if no one comes to this blog anymore, it'll feel good to just let it all out.
You wouldn't think it by seeing how really great my life is that I have anxiety, but I do lately. And it's not due to any dissatisfaction with my life because I have an amazing life! I have a great job with great pay and benefits, I have my little 2 year old nephew to spend time with, I have family that live close by and we spend a lot of time together, I have more hobbies than I can count, I live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet and I've reached a point in my life where I have my shit together, I'm comfortable and I'm content. So what's causing my anxiety you might be asking by now? The world.
Yes, that's right. The world is causing me anxiety. Mostly the people that live in the world to be more specific. I'm not saying I hate people. I'm saying my strong values don't align with the downright hateful behavior I see every day. I'm disappointed most when I meet someone who I think has their shit together and isn't subscribing to the hate and BS going on all around only to discover that they are not who I thought they were.
So many things are getting me down lately. Lets starts with the horrific state of dating. All I hear is men saying they want a good woman who isn't out in the clubs, who has hobbies, has a job, contributes 50/50, doesn't sleep around with everyone around town, is respectful, is intelligent and is loyal. I'm 45 and haven't been to a bar in almost 20 years, I love being outdoors, being involved in the community, have many hobbies, have a really good job and a decent side gig freelance writing, I love to travel and learn new things and cultures. I've never cheated on anyone, I don't hop in bed with random guys (ever and never have). You would think men would respect me or at the very least is they were a man looking for the opposite of this, they would leave me alone. There's nothing in my demeanor to indicate that I am a bar-hopping, coke snorting you-know-what who will disrespect a man and treat him like dirt and sleep with all his friends or jump in bed with him on the first meeting. But yet, that's exactly what men have been doing to me. They know I'm not that type, but they treat me like that type.
Lets face it, there are two types of people. Those who party and sleep around and those who live good, honest lives treating themselves and others with respect. Be who want to be but why go after someone that is not your type. All the men who show interest in me are looking for something that I am not and all they have to do is meet me once or even just view my social media and they know what type of woman I am . It's not my fault many of the women in my area act like orangutans going to clubs and sleeping around well into their 30s and 40s. I'm not doing that so why expect me to and why even talk to me if I'm not what they want??? It's confusing, frustrating, insulting and hurtful.
Most recently, three men have come into my life. One said he was very interested in me and liked the type of person I was. Talked to me like I was trash, ghosted me several times, said things he didn't mean, lied about everything and never treated me or took me out despite me doing things for him. And when I called him out on it, I was told I was crazy and irrational. Now he dates a woman he met at a local bar who literally slept with all his friends. Wines and dines her, takes her to movies, treats like a queen and she goes out on the town snorting coke and sleeping around. LOL someone make it make sense. Men are going around saying there are no good women but the actual good women are home being good women alone because they are literally meeting women in crack houses and dive bars and complaining about there being no good women left! I would be able to deal with this better if this just made sense.....any men out there want to make this make sense? You all complain that women don't contribute $$ or want to split on dates but you literally date women that are on welfare and have 6 kids with 8 different baby daddies. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. I've always paid my way for everything....but men don't date me. They say they are interested and than act like I am worthless and they only want one thing from me despite knowing that I am not like that.....AND THAN COMPLAIN THAT THERE ARE NO GOOD WOMEN. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
Second guy lately who showed interest: Messaged me online and said he wanted to get to know me. One of the first things I said was I wasn't interested in dating because I'm tired of being treated like garbage. His reply was in exact words "well, I think I can change your mind". AND DID NOTHING FOR 5 MONTHS TO CHANGE MY MIND. We met once for coffee and a drive and a talk. and than he made no plans for a date or to see each other ever again. Just wasted my time chatting online with no intention of anything else except to bring up the topic of sex even though he said he didn't want a woman who gave it away quickly and to everyone they met. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
Third guy: Showed interest for literally over a year. Seemed like a really nice guy with his life together who would appreciate a woman who has her life together. Talked sporadically online over the winter and than seen him in person this spring and he started really showing interest sending messages saying how nice it is to see me. Also said several times he's like to go on one of my adventures with me and we should do something. A meeting was set to hang out. I thought it was a little strange that he expected me to pick him up and drive but he's younger and times have changed so I thought that's just normal in the getting to know one another stage. I've never been asked that before...usually they pick me up or we meet somewhere. But anyway, I didn't mind. I assumed I would drive this time and next time, he would pick me up. So I pick him up drive around for like three hours....thought we had some really good conversation and got along well. When I dropped him off, he said he had a great time and he'd like to hang out again. So a few days later, we mutually decided to meet on Sunday afternoon.....but come Sunday afternoon, I heard nothing. I put my time aside to hang out with him because I'm not the type of person to flake out on plans. I respect people and their time. Finally, I got tired of sitting in my tiny, hot and muggy apartment by myself so I texted him saying I was going to make other plans if I didn't hear from him soon. Meanwhile, I could see him chatting on Facebook messenger. His excuse after ghosting me and forgetting me and leaving me hanging was that he lost his phone while out drinking in the woods on the quads with his buddies. And I was being irrational by expecting him to have at least texted me and let me know he was too immature to control his drinking the night before in order to keep his plans with me. Not even an f'ing text to cancel. I'm not even worth that. And speaking of worth. I guess I'm not even worth 2$ because the first night that we did hang out, we drove by at least a dozen coffee shops and I wasn't even offered a coffee. I didn't think of much at the time because I was enjoying out time together and figured he would treat me the next time we hung out. But instead, he let me know how almost completely worthless I am by not only offering me a 2$ coffee but by ghosting me a few days later with no explanation. I can't even put into words how shitty that made me feel. I was nice and polite to this person, I picked them up at their door and dropped them off at their door....and that's how he treated me. I'm willing to bet money that the next woman he dates will be one that goes to the bars, sleeps around, snorts coke, has no job and has no class or respect...and he will wine and dine her like she's a princess. I hope he finds what he's looking because apparently I wasn't it because being forgotten about, ignored, ghosted and called crazy are not ways to show someone you respect them. Clearly this person didn't even like me. Despite never giving any indication that I would meet him and just hop in bed with him, I beleive that's what he expected and when he didn't get what he wanted, he treated me like garbage. i THOUGHT MEN WANTED DECENT WOMEN. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. The worse thing about this scenario was I could have gone to the beach with my family and instead I waited around for someone who didn't even have enough respect for me to just send a 2-second text to say they wouldn't be able to meet.
And just speaking about men in general....you all say you want decent women but yet half your followers on social media are women with only fans accounts scantilly dressed and acting like prostitutes. Do you think all women are like that? You men must love women like that because you like all their skanky posts. You do realize that there are women out there with real jobs, who use their brains to get ahead in life and are living good honest lives, right? But you say you don't like the type of women I mentioned above but you treat them well and dismiss and treat the good ones like crap? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
Life is so precious and beautiful. And it's easy. People are making it difficult. Relationships aren't hard despite what people think. They are easy when you choose someone who is your type, and you be honest and say and do what you mean. The world doesn't need to be like this. If I'm not your type and your looking for a bar hopping crackhead on welfare who leaves her kids with babysitters every weekend so she can go sleeping around and getting drunk and high, THAN GO GET THAT WOMAN. there are plenty of women like that out there. WHY BOTHER ME. I WILL EVER BE THAT KIND OF WOMAN.
There are so many other things that are bothering me. Artificial intelligence. Lost a freelance gig because the client said it was cheaper to use AI. So now they would rather have their content be riddled with errors and be robotic rather than have a real person write about true experiences.
It disturbs me so so so much that people think the state of this world is perfectly fine. People can't even love anymore. Everything is fake. It's pathetic.
I could go on and on about the state of this pathetic society. But instead, I am done getting this off my chest. I assume no one reads this anymore anyway but it feels good to get it out there. Maybe Ill help easy my sadness and anxiety so I can go back to living my good life. And yes, I do live a really, really good life. I have so many great times with my close friends and family. I go on adventures around my beautiful island and I travel around the world learning about new cultures and places. I have had so many magical experiences starting in my childhood. Life is so good. I'm just better off single and removed from society as much as I can be to stay away from the garbage that is out there. Sure it would be nice to have someone to share those experiences with but no one is interested in living a good life. They just want to get drunk, get high, get laid by any random person and have no feelings involved and sit in front of the TV. To each their own. I want no part of that ugly world. I love hard and I live hard. I don't give my love or my time to anyone who doesn't appreciate it. And I'm fine being on my own because in this wold, hateful world, it doesn't seem like that will ever happen. It's just so sad that people must be so unhappy they can't even live a day without masking their life with booze or drugs.
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